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Dr. Chaim Y. Botwinick

Did you ever wonder why and how so many of our youth today are very quick to give up on challenging assignments or on simple non-complex tasks or challenges? And, why are so many of our youth complacent about going the “extra mile” in order to succeed.

As we know, many of our youth today are quick to push-back if a request or an assignment is too demanding; or if it the task involves a challenging effort or expectation on their part. Many don’t even have the motivation or will to even try to work hard in order to reach personal or academic goals.

There is a name for this attitude and demeanor. It is called coddling.

According to the definition, coddling is defined as treating a person in an indulgent and overprotective manner or treating someone too kindly or protecting them too much. It can also be defined as a social condition which leads to over-protection which can actually paralyze a person’s ability or capacity to try or succeed.

In an effort not to over-generalize about the challenges engendered in describing today’s youth, I want to be extremely careful, circumspect and up front to clearly point out that one size does not fit all. 

There are always many who do not fit the profile as presented. But as a society and as a community – whether it be in our Jewish day schools, yeshivot or at home – we are seeing and experiencing greater and more frequent coddling of our youth by parents as never before in recent memory.

The opinion, positions and descriptions respectfully presented in this article are based upon my experience as an educator, head of school, principal, consultant, and leadership coach for Jewish educators. I therefore do not take this important topic lightly nor do I present this perspective with a cavalier perspective or attitude regarding today’s youth. But rather a straight-up, albeit painful uncensored and unfiltered honest perspective and challenge, in search for answers, direction and resolution.

Not unlike our greater society, our Jewish community is beginning to witness an entire generation of Jewish youth who are experiencing the culmination of years of coddling. I see this in the classroom, in our schools and communities. I also continuously hear from colleagues as well as from teachers and educators who have reached frustration levels and a tolerance saturation point of historic significance. Many even attribute their early retirement from their teaching professions or are no longer willing to pursue their teaching careers due in large measure to the negative impact of coddling behavior on their students and its negative impact on the classroom teaching/learning environment. 

The effects of coddling have a daunting ripple effect in the classroom and throughout the school. It influences how school policies are determined and the manner in which a school’s administration relates to its students and parent body.

Coddling attitudes, behaviors and characteristics do not happen in a vacuum. More often than not, they are manifested when our youth are confronting with important and serious decision-making demands and requirements or when making life changing choices. They are also the result of poor parenting and an increased inability for parents to know how to respond to their children’s behaviors and attitudes.

Recently, I have been witnessing how an overabundance of student coddling can lead to arrogance, disrespect, a lack of derech eretz towards authority and/or a lack of modesty and humility. This is having a very negative affect and impact on our schools and classrooms, in addition to student academic expectations, achievement and requirements.

I am not a practicing mental health practitioner, but, as an experienced educator, I am very familiar with these behaviors when I see them or when they present themselves in a school.

We often see that when a task is too difficult or challenging how students will just give up….even prior to trying. 

This is particularly evident through the misuse of AI were we are now seeing a growing number of students who are totally reliant and dependent on this technology, not as a helping tool, but rather as a  primary source, whether it be for an essay, book report, or an assignment requiring a level of originality. Many even cut-and- paste AI generated information and pass it on in the classroom as an original response to an assignment.

Not only does this lead to a level of dishonesty, but over time, it creates a bottomless pit or rabbit-whole which students find difficult to crawl out of. Over time, it also creates greater dependency on AI thereby removing the student’s ability to think independently. Not a very healthy development or prognosis for the student’s future growth, development, or integrity. 

In light of this reality, schools are now determining ways to combat this phenomena through due diligence and scrutiny (a topic for a different post).

Friends, coddling is a large factor in determining less then desirable behaviors and serves as a powerful indisputable trigger for a variety of harmful and potentially destructive behaviors and attitudes, whether they be manifested in the classroom, school, home or community.

So, what does all this suggest? And what should be the response of our Jewish educational leadership to this evolving sociological phenomenon.

First, we all know that our youth today, whether they attend a Jewish day school, yeshiva or gan, irrespective of religious hashkafa, are not perfect nor do they all play by the same rules. It’s just the nature of our youth and society.

Second, every generation has experienced a variety of challenges facing their youth as well as the manner in which we as a community respond to these challenges. It tests our community’s resolve as well as the resolve of our institutions. Having said that, if we identify the causes for coddling, we may have a far better opportunity at controlling, modifying or curtailing it in a meaningful and strategic manner.

Throughout history, the ebb and flow of emerging student emotional trends, lifestyles and behaviors molds and shapes their attitudes as well as their current and future decision-making abilities.

Today’s student entitlement mindset is exacerbated by a continuous erosion of moral principles, equivalency and values. This cannot be more evident, over-stated or underscored then on college and university campuses where we see and experience a level of group-think arrogance and self-empowerment – all motivated by the need to be relevant as a collective. 

Whether or not these student behaviors or attitudes are caused directly by the impact of technology, or the explosion of social media platforms (e.g tiktok) is a topic which demand very serious review and investigation.

A growing number of youth attending our Jewish day schools and yeshivot are currently suffering from the almost same coddling malady. This may be the result of years of parental coddling, ensuring that our students are continuously safe, secure and unruffled. Again, this points directly to the critical role of our parents, many of whom have themselves been coddled by their parents since birth. As they say, the apple does not fall far from the tree.

I for one completely understand and appreciate that after reading the first several introductory paragraphs of this article that you (the reader) may feel somewhat exacerbated by these uncontrollable and undeniable realities. 

The natural tendency when reading these articles is to opine that many of these positions, statements or perceptions may be somewhat exaggerated, especially since not all youth are alike.

This later point may be true but the reality still remains that if our communities do not directly confront the overabundance of coddling behavior, our community and its schools and  institutions will be heading towards a very deep and slippery slope.

As students refuse to cope with their challenges and as schools and parents continue to coddle them, we will be left with a future generation of youth who are helpless, meek, and totally dependent upon society for their future success, welfare and wellbeing. Not a very healthy picture.

Is it no wonder that Israeli society produces a much more mature, resilient and determined youth population. In fact, the coddling of Israeli youth is virtually nonexistent.

This reality may be due in large measure to mandatory military service and to a hardening of responsibilities and expectations at a young age. 

 Moreover, Israeli youth may in fact be “hard-wired” to accept more difficult tasks, responsibilities and challenges. They therefore must make tougher and more decisive critical decisions at an earlier age of their lives.

In an excellent article by Barbara Bensoussan entitled “Are We Coddling Too Much? published in the Health section of Jewish Action Magazine (winter, 2020), she posits that “modern parents have become much more protective of children on every level. 

The results are that children are emerging less to cope with life’s stresses.” She also references Dr. David Rosemarin (Parenting the Anxious Child) who claims that “not very long ago, 50 percent of people lived in dire poverty. It was normal for life to be imperfect, for people to struggle. Today, we have become so accustomed to comfort that we are hypersensitive to anything that isn’t just right in our lives. 

Friends, to put the blame for these student attitudes and behaviors on the exclusive shoulders of our parents would not be totally fair. But, in an environment where parents are the first responders to a child’s physical, social, emotional and psychological well-being, it behooves parents to play a more central and assertive role. This includes ensuring that their children are more responsible, motivated, goal oriented, responsible and resilient. 

The Parent/School Partnership

In order to respond to the challenges just presented, I would like to suggest the creation of parent/school strategic partnerships which would provide parents and educators with venues for shared learning, growth, problem solving and improvement…..all focusing on the social, emotional and academic condition of our students.

Not unlike other parent education programs, schools would offer a series of workshops, seminars and counseling sessions on parenting skills. These sessions would be open to parents ranging from those who are aspiring to have children and grow families to those parents with children currently attending our day schools and yeshivot.

As envisioned, schools can incentivize parent participation by offering special scholarship assistance to families. Alternatively, they can make attendance mandatory. Although the later would be difficult to enforce, schools should engage communal and rabbinic leadership in these efforts. It must become a communal priority; and we must create a communal climate and environment which demands a sense of urgency.

The challenge of coddling and its negative impact on our students is just one of many student challenges our schools are facing.

Potential topics or titles for school-based parent counseling workshops, seminars or conferences may include:

• how parents can help their children create exemplary middos and derech eretz

• resilience in our children from a Jewish values perspective;
• encouraging children to taking responsibility and ownership of personal challenges;
• being in control of critical life-changing choices;
• HaShem helps those who help themselves;

• how parents can uncoddle their relationship with their children (if it’s not too late);

• the negative impact of coddling on a student’s emotional, social, and academic development.

In addition to these parent education and sessions, schools may also consider offering advisory courses and electives to their students.

They may include topics such as:

• responsible decision-making
• taking responsibility and ownership for actions
• procrastination
• resilience
• leadership, responsibility  and accountability
• making critical life choices
• think ahead with your head

• no pain-no gain
• emuna and bitachon – ingredients for success.

• yes, I can do it.

• self-empowerment

At the end of the day, there is just so much a school or Jewish educational community can do in order to respond to these student behavioral concerns.

In the final analysis, for our youth to be successful, it is imperative that we provide them with greater self-confidence, grit, resilience and a “can-do” attitude and opportunities for success.

The student coddling phenomenon (or crisis), is one that will not disappear by itself. In fact, if unattended, it can get worse.

At best, we can only try to educate our parents, school leadership and faculty as to how we can work together in partnership in order to curtail or reduce the frequency of coddling.

Finally, we will need to teach and guide our students as to how to be more responsible and mature, less needy and more resilient.

Remember….there are significant differences between coddling versus exhibiting love, empathy and compassion. Our responsibility as parents and as adults is to offer our children compassion and empathy and to minimize if not eliminate the need to coddling. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Chaim Botwinick is a senior executive coach and an organizational consultant .He served as president and CEO of the central agency for Jewish education in Baltimore and in Miami; in addition to head of school and principal for several Jewish day schools and yeshivot. As an Influencer, he has published and lectured extensively on topics relating to education, resource development, strategic planning and leadership development. Dr. Botwinick is co-founder of LEV Consulting Associates and producer/host of the Chinuch Horizons podcast series. He is Author of “Think Excellence: Harnessing Your Power to Succeed Beyond Greatness”, Brown Book, 2011